So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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