is your mom at the bar?
so explain again why im purple
no
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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