her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
