dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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