I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
