this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
