i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
