I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
