I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
