I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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