um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
