don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
