Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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