Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
