Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you didnt know i had herpes?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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