Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
