eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We talked him into tasing himself.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
