This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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