Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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