He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
