If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Let the clothes fall where they may.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
