Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
