it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize