so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
