Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
third nipple confirmed
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
