Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
