Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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