Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
420 ftw
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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