I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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