I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
