and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
