Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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