so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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