Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
