I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Come back. Shots need mouths.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
