...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
