I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
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