Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
