She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
