I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize