the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
