I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
