Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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