After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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