She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
