Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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