Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
