I skipped work to stalk him.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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