I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
