my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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