They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
