guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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