Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
