When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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