did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she told me i tasted like america
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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