I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
