I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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