my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
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