There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
