If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
