youre lurking in front of me
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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