why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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