he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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