Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
