I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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