How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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