Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
