Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
